Missing you

I find it amazing how much we can miss someone. This is a topic that I don't always delve fully into because of all of the emotion that comes along with deeply missing someone. But lets test out the waters a bit.

Emotion plays such a large role in our lives, why don't we embrace it more? I work to talk about the little things in life through this blog and the underlying message behind most of it is to be connected and aware of the "little things" in life. But what does it mean to be connected or aware? I'm talking about letting yourself see, experience and react to them. This all plays on ethos-- emotion.

But I wonder if some of this comes back to the element of missing someone or something. To be connected with something also means that there is a chance of that thing, that connection to also no longer be there anymore. Anyone who has ever lost anything-- something truly cherished --never wants to experience those feelings again. Why do we get homesick? It is because we miss what we love, what we are connected with. That connection isn't there anymore, or at least not in the same way or with the same intensity that it once was. I think what we miss in live also shows us what we are (or perhaps no longer are) connected with.

People are they very obvious things to become connected with. We were created with a need for others. Can we carry on without people at all, yes, but it is not what we have chosen and that choice has reasons behind it.

So I lead myself into this: if we love with the kind of love I spoke of in my last entry, it is also that much easier to miss.

Missing is not a good feeling. Think of grief. think of how you feel if you've broken or lost a cherished possession. How long it takes to get a child to no longer suck their thumb, try taking a blanket away from someone who has slept with it their entire life. Music from those who spend more hours listening than they realize. The list goes on and on. And the thing about some of these things that we miss, is that it produces a kind of emotion that we are not used to and do not know how to react to. It is often the kind of emotion where we can't really put our finger quite on what it is that is bothering us. Chance are very good, though, that some sort of change has happened and the feeling involves missing.

A person is someone that we invest so much into. Time, money, tears, sweat, work, play, sleep, etc etc etc. With those who have truly touched and found a home in our heart, we give everything we have to them or for them. Now put distance between that person and you. It can be physical distance or it could simply be changes in schedules that makes it more difficult to spend the time you feel in love with having together. You miss them.

Missing someone has so many levels as well. Maybe what you find yourself missing is someone that truly hurt you. Not only do you miss the connection you had but you're also conflicted because of the presence of the scar from the hurt that happened. Or maybe it's the opposite, you lost someone you never expected you would lose. Missing someone will bring us to tears at the drop of a dime. Sometimes it slams into you an invisible brick wall. It takes you and shakes you until it feels like everything inside you has been flipped upside down and turned inside out. You don't just miss the person but you miss all of the pieces of their life that you are a part of. Something simple, like saying goodnight before bed. The look they have right before they give you a hug. Their smile. When you have someone who shares in your live with you, truly shares in it, when you miss them you also miss that part of your life where you get to share it with them. Truly sharing your life with someone is one of the most amazing life experiences.

Looking at the words that are laid out here, a lot of what we miss are the simple things. They say you don't know what you have until its gone, I think that this is because we don't look at the little things. The little things are the things that we end up missing in the end-- the fact that you can always call, the ability to give a hug, someone's smile and the sound of their voice. When they're gone, they leave a huge hole. This is what happens when we don't take them for all that their worth every time we're blessed with the chance to experience them. What, then, when we are taking the chance to notice them?

This is the challenge to all that I write here and all that I live by. By taking that time to notice, appreciate and fall in love with the little things, to be connected, we make ourselves vulnerable to missing them even more deeply than we first loved them. Why love, why notice, why connect when it can be taken away?


I have responses to these questions, but they are all rooted in the same thing. Loving, noticing, and connecting make it all worth it. I am willing to endure the worst in life if it means that I also get to love, notice, and connect. There is pain and discomfort in missing but love is greater than this. When you miss someone it is because of love. When you see this, you can let the love surround you again and fill in the holes that seem to have been left behind.


Now, for any of you Christians out there who perhaps might read this, consider this: God is love. We're talking true love here now, keep that in mind. Is there anything greater than Him? Is it worth loving to experience Him knowing that you might miss it later? And, more so, we miss because we no longer have. And what we no longer have is what we loved, or what has triggered a Godly feeling. When we love, we have gained a connection with God. We miss because our connection with God has changed. Finally, I have said that love is still greater than all else, which leads us to the reality that if we hang on to God while missing, He will remain with us and where He is, so is there love. We may miss greater than we knew was possible, but as long as we keep our hearts open to God, He will give us the love we need to fill the holes the missing has created.

What love have you been given today? I know what and whom mine is. And I am truly thankful that love is greater than it all.

Living with love

My friends, as I've promised, I am back and here to write some more!

I apologize that it has been so long since I have written. Some seriously serious stuff has been present in my life, but for which I am not unthankful. Instead, I see these elements and their presence in my life as tools helping me to see again what it is that I live for, what I desire in life, and simply how pure love can be.

This is where my thoughts are today, around love. I'm not talking love as in I'm madly in love with this guy and he's all I can think about... No, I'm talking pure and simple love. The love you give only to someone who deeply knows and is invested in the simple enhancement of your worth.

If you think about anyone who has ever truly been invested in who you are as a person, wanting to enhance who you are, let you be who you are, and learn every edge of what it means to be you, chances are very good that you are smiling with the sense and understanding of what real love is. What is sad, is it seems to be remarkably difficult to find someone who desires to allow you to be you and fully accepts every aspect of who that is. At times, its completely and utterly difficult to realize that this is seemingly so hard to come by-- particularly if you're finding yourself realizing that perhaps you don't have one of those people in your life right now. I know most of us have been in that boat...and it's not a pleasant one.

But I also have to say that the difficult is also what makes it so pure and simplistically awe-striking. The not having it forces you to become invested in yourself. It forces you to see who you are and to deal with the questions of why you are the way you are and whether or not it matters the way others may or may not perceive or understand you. It forces you to first love yourself. Or, perhaps it does the opposite. Currently researching mental health for an internship, I know all to well (via research and other outside experience) that it is quite easy to not believe in yourself or your worth. But again it comes back to love.

There is that day that you realize the unconditional love and true desire to know and be with you, all of you, every aspect of you, is present in such a way you never truly knew was possible. All of a sudden the world turns the other way and you feel emotion and security in a way you haven't before, at least not quite like this. Its why we love dating so much-- the other person is so truly curious and excited to meet and see and discover just who you are. And, further, they're loving every second of it. And there you are, presumably, enjoying every micro-moment of the discovery of who they are. There is a truly blissful desire in gaining who the other person is while opening yourself to allow them to see the real you. All of you. But again, I am not rooting this love in the aspects of our life we call dating, courtship, or even marriage. They are present so many other places. And yet these are the places that we see love the least.

There is something truly special and, I'd like to venture to say rare, about an intimate love without the elements of sex. Holding someone's hand without any further intent than to simply be close to that person. Showing affection and love with only the pursuit to share how much you care and enjoy their presence. Nothing more. Relational love can be like this too, or so I assume, but there is something different when it's simply two closest of friends.

What I ask, is how have we become a culture where showing the care and the love that we have for our friends is something to be ashamed of or to be hidden. Why do we hold back? There is fear of pain, I understand this deeply, but I still question what else holds us back. Pain is enough, I believe this, but there is more that goes into the pain. There is a built up leading to the pain. There are social ramifications which leads to the pain and, sometimes, is the pain all together. What has happened to the purity of our world? What has happened to the childlike nature to simply love and enjoy and be who it is we want to be, whatever that might be at any given moment. I work to live as if these elements have not left us. It's an upward battle, but why not love? Anyone who knows me, deeply knows me on the most surface level of being able to deeply know, can see and understand that I try to do as much as I possibly can through love. Not a sexual, I want to get in your pants kind of love, but a pure and simply investment and care for who you are. A desire to give you what you need to love and live life in a way that makes you feel amazingly wonderful.

Hold on to your love. Share your love. Live through love.

its been a while, but i'll be back again

life has been a bit crazy lately. things i can't write about publicly but many other thoughts which i can write about and very much want to. i've missed it. so no worries, writing again i will soon again do!

How we live our life

I'm listening to Josh Ritter's Thin Blue Flame and I find myself asking and wondering about how we live our life.

He very clearly takes the concept and the elements he sees in life and allows them to surround him, consume him. And then pours them out into song-- after thoroughly shaken, not stirred.

You see, it is that thoroughly shaken portion that means so much. It is one thing experience life around you, wow, the sky looks amazing tonight, but it is something completely different to allow yourself to be shaken inside, from the roots, by what it is you are experiencing.

Think about the things in life, the moments you have lived where you felt as though your world was truly shaken. So many of those things are the trials and the unbelievable becoming believable only because they happened a little too close to home. But what happens when we let the majority of our experiences in life to shake us?

I would like to push it a bit further and say that I believe that they do shake us-- all things that we truly experience. But we experience so much at once. We more often than not do not slow ourselves enough so that we can reflect upon and come to see and understand what each element is, embracing it. Sometimes we do, but frequently it becomes clouded by all of the other elements of life around us.

Which leads to the question, how do we experience each element when there are so many flying at us all at once?

Sometimes we can't. Sometimes we have to just sit back and take it all in. Sometimes we actually have to speed it up to a point of exhilaration. But in the end, it is all there within us, a part of us. It is there for our experiencing, it is a matter of asking to what degree do we choose to experience it?

I think of the pure simplicity of a hug-- something I am truly fond of, especially when shared with someone I care deeply about --and the varying elements present within it. We're open in those few moments, vulnerable and excepting. Sometimes it has a mystifyingly powerful healing ability to it; have you ever experienced that, where all the hurt, the worry, the anxiety, the stress, even the tears suddenly slide away-- you can't quite explain why but all of a sudden everything feels soo much better than you knew it could within that moment? Even more, do you see, do you take in the experience when you have done that for someone else? Have you allowed yourself to feel and see the gift you just gave another?

So often we have no idea how much of an impact we have on the world around us. We have little insight into the depths of how much we have changed, truly changed, the lives of not just one but each and every individual around us. And yet, we can see, even if just in hindsight, how powerfully the people around us have influenced us. I find it interesting how we're still somewhat oblivious to the role we have in others.

Maybe it's a part of our culture. Maybe its not. But I know that it's more than just maybe a part of my life. I need to make sure that I am aware of how I impact the people in my life just as I find a need to be aware of, to take note of, and to (in my instance) write about the way the world and all that are and is in it affect my life.

Let it affect you.
Let yourself experience what you usually gloss over.
Let yourself love to live what used to be unlived.

"I became a thin blue flame..."

"I get by with a little help from my friends"

(^good song:)

There is a pure simplicity about the truly complex and intimate way friendship can make your world right again.

As alluded to in recent posts, I have had a lot on my mind recently. Anytime something large goes on in my life, whatever that situation might be, I find myself viewing the world through a new lens. This is where I am now. I see things differently. I, again, find that the run-of-the-mill every day things suddenly remind me of the intense reality of the frightening aspects of our world-- the chaos. The things we block. The things that are seen as run-of-the-mill, every day things because in many instances, we have no other way to deal with them other than to have them presented in a "everything is okay" manner. It's how movies are. Tv. Books, you name it, it's there. And this is all an okay thing.

But anytime I'm in a portion of my life such as this, I need friendship. True companionship. It is where being alone is often the greatest struggle. I have been there many times. One year ago, I was in this new place, working a new job, with nothing but new around me. It sucked. I'm rather happy here now, I can say that for sure. But I can also say that moving into summer and with a great change in my regular schedule, which comes with summer, I find myself again hoping for a different sense of stability this year.

This leads me into the concept of how we are stubbornly independent in who we are and yet how we also have a deep need for others. I find this oxymoron rather interesting. I always have and I'm assuming that I always will.

At any rate, when my schedule changes and/or I am finding myself taking on new perspectives while viewing the world, I also find myself in a funk-- simply put. Which makes complete sense, when you are not doing nor seeing as you normally see or do, of course everything will feed quite weird.

But friends, oooh my friends, when they are near, even when they are "new", and the care runs deep, the funk slips to the wayside. At least as much as it can considering. Music must be listened to. Without which, well I don't know what the world is like without which. And it is important to recognize the vast variety of music-- the kind you listen to, the kind you produce, the kind you write, the unexpected, but also the musical beauty of all of our sense-- taste. Touch. Smell. Sight. It is important to recognize the music in each of these elements. And, dumbfoundingly awe-striking, in its true rarity, we must stop and enjoy, record, the moments where music drums its way across all of our sense at once.

It is also important, above all else, to still trust and hold tight to the deep understanding that the world is good and deep within, everything is or always will be alright.

Ephesians 6:10-18


This is what friends can, have, and indeed do do for me. Surely we can pass through the world without them, but why do so when we have the opportunity for the opposite? This is why I am the friend that I am to others. I do not let go. I do not stop loving. I do not stop thinking about and praying for those I care for. Once you have a place near and dear to my heart, you will remain there for a great deal of time-- many much much longer than they may ever guess. If you have truly touched my life, I will go to greatest of great lengths to be there for you. And if you hurt me..the sorrow I experience is far deeper than many, if any, know.

I am forever thankful for the people who mean the most in my life.

Something big is waiting to surface...

Sometimes there are times where we are presented with an inward pull towards something "far greater than building an entire city". God has been doing amazing works within me. He is calling me to work for Him in doing something grand on this campus.

And like most instances where we can feel that we are about to embark on something of grand scale, I also have a sense of overwhelming uncertainty. I find it amazing how we question ourselves when we are about to embark on something which will call us to take deep portions of who we are and ask of others things that we may be denied. To ask big things-- to ask for a campus to change the only way it seems to know how to function. To stand up, as someone new, and say that this is not okay. To ask that others join in on your initiative and to gain buy-in on a new movement. To represent something, to be a leader, to recognize and point out what we readily choose not to see. This will be me. This is now me.

'Ask, are the things that you are concerned with the concerns of God.'

Yes.

I can see that there has been a vast series of life events which I have experienced and am still experiencing now which has lead and prepared me for this journey that I am about to embark upon.

I sent one email asking if I could work with the person I was emailing to do an internship. Just one.

I had one meeting and shared pieces of how I am, 20 minutes later I was offered not only an internship but a GSA position. But I know the GSA position is not where I am being pulled. I am being pulled in a direction where I will lead others and change the mindsets of others, where I will create and initiate movements across our campus.

God is calling me to reach out and touch the hearts of the people who encounter our community. He has done many things, introduced me to particular people, had me experience specific situations to help me gain an understanding and lay a foundation-- a solid platform --to push off of as I leap into the currently unknown.

Sometimes we have to blindly trust what lies ahead of us. Sometimes we have to keep on fighting against all forms of resistance even we are still discovering exactly which direction we are heading in. I can feel it all building, bubbling, boiling. It will happen fast. I'm eager to see what I can do in a short period of time. I am opening my mind set up for the feelings and experiences I had as I decided upon Not Where We Live back in Milwaukee, and I am getting ready to feel completely and utterly overwhelmed-- I can see the pit in front of me.

I am curious to see what becomes of what I feel is in store for us.

I can't write publicly about what is on my mind, so I'll put some passages down here instead.

For God is not a God of disorder but of peace. 1 Corinthians 14:33

Isaiha 52 while listening to "There Will Be a Day" by Jeremy Camp.

Sometimes the realities of life will grab you by the heart and shake you until you're dizzy and feel like you can't stand anymore.

It helps you to redefine who you are, what you believe, and how you wish to live.

What I know is that my faith in God runs deeper than my blood.
What I know is that I will do anything for a friend in need. Anything.
What I know is that there is little that feels better than knowing you've given comfort to someone when they need it most.
What I know is that I have friends who care enough to stick around even when life has sucked me into a black hole.
What I know is that I have a strong desire to articulate how I feel.
What I know is that I have an even stronger desire to have God speak through me.
And what I know is that the stories we hear in life but reflexively think will never happen to us are very very true.


What I know is that we are stronger than we realize. Too often in life we find that we can persevere through things we still cannot fully imagine even after they have happened to us. And what I know is that we need others in our lives. The power one person can have simply by being there, truly being there, is greater than anything in this world-- especially when we call God to work through us. There is nothing greater than this.

What I ask you is if you empower the people around you? I have learned through life that it can be very difficult to empower yourself. But I have also learned that even with simple acts, we can greatly empower others. And I have learned that through empowering others we suddenly are empowered ourselves. When you cannot do anything for yourself, do something for someone else.

They say that you can't take care of others if you cannot first take care of yourself. I believe this to be true however I also believe that sometimes taking care of someone else can also be the best thing you can to do take care of yourself.


All of this can be expressed through my most recent play list, which is as follows:

You're My Home by Billy Joel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-j-Smp0BOA

Turn! Turn! Turn! (To Everything There is a Season) by The Byrds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHvf20Y6eoM

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) by Chris Tomlin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbe7OruLk8I

By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J95rAr0gOFU

Never Alone by Jim Brickman featuring Hillary Scott and Lady Antibellum
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNK4Alwbsw

Never Let Go by David Crowder Band
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNK4Alwbsw

Cowboy Take Me Away by Dixie Chicks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uijQQpbZNVo

Easy Silence by Dixie Chicks
http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=4784406240798360718

Strong Enough to Break by Hanson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhIvcjF74mg

Let It Fade by Jeremy Camp
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h843f2GXie0&feature=related

Walk By Faith by Jeremy Camp (**this one has an AMAZING story which he shares before he plays the song)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT9wH8t4Hzw

There Will Be a Day by Jeremy Camp
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUzDOGzABSM

I Still Believe by Jeremy Camp
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Myxg69UpMOA

Friend Like You by Joshua Radin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0MG-vDwrU4

Just To See You Smile by Tim McGraw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTfXgCh96uw

Alright by MercyMe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPhnKcSE6JE

Live Like We're Dying by Kris Allen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3N5CsXYlCk&feature=related

Listen. Enjoy. Life your life.

Don't judge me because I'm Christian. Ask me, isntead, what it is you do not like or understand.

God never fails to impress me. The number of prayers we throw up into the air-- sometimes it becomes so easy or second nature that our heart isn't purely into it anymore. I work hard to make sure that I at least notice when I fall into this trap. I know people who say prayers that they've learned and have recited since they were young children, yet when they say them, each and every time, I can feel that they are calling God into them and truly praying in a very intimate and raw way. It may sound crazy, but I can physically (or I guess it would be spiritually) feel the presence of God almost as if He's turned His head towards us and can feel us speaking from our heart-- not just reciting words.

I have always struggled with reciting prayers that are memorized. It is easy to say them just because it is what we do or feel we 'should' do, or even simply because of habit. I have recently been refreshed, though, that this is not necessarily the case for every individual.

I think about this when I am with families who say grace before they eat (something which I greatly appreciate) and when I am at my church back in my home town and we say the Lord's prayer. It is easy to simply say the words but why say them if you aren't truly asking (both of God and of yourself) for them to be a reality? I push myself to put true meaning and desire behind what I pray-- regardless of if it is...'freestyle' or 'rehearsed' (for lack of a more clear way to say what I mean here).

Our Father who art in heaven...

I am calling God father-- daddy. How intimate is that? What does it mean to call Him father? What meaning do I choose (and I love that it is a choice of mine) to put behind that?

And He is in heaven, wow. I have images of what heaven might be like from the book of revelations and from various spiritual experiences that I've had, but truly the concept of heaven is mind blowing. Even simply the idea of not having the weight of worry or stress or general daily need. Ever. The idea of every joyful feeling or experience I have ever had filling me constantly without tire. *shakes head* it is dumbfounding. I can't even begin to imagine what heaven will be like. Or, for that matter, what it will be like to see God face-to-face.

Hallowed be thy name...

How holy You are, Lord. I have no words to express. Religion and spirituality is such a personally intimate thing. Relationship. Experience. Core to my existence. To see prayers answered quite literally right before my own eyes. To feel Your voice fill me when I am scared, uncertain or simply need You. To feel Your comfort when I have felt as thought I cannot go on. I don't know what holy means without You. When I think of Your name I am reminded that I am safe with You.

Thy kingdom come...

I can't wait until Your kingdom comes. I have fear, because I have read of what will come before Your presence is here on earth again and before our world comes to an end. And I have witnessed what it is like to experience some of the things You have promised will come before Your kingdom comes. But I hold faith and remain sound knowing that You have chosen us to be a part of Your kingdom. I know that regardless of the vast number of 666 stories that I continue, yes continue, to gain between now and then will be worthwhile.

Thy will be done...

I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like when Your will, and only Your will is done. When the chaos of this world leaves and there is nothing but that which is of You.

On earth as it is in heaven...

And what's better is that You will give us these things on earth. You already do now, in pieces. I have already written here about this, about Your presence in our world throughout the chaos and the greatness, the passion, we have because of Your presence here. What a world it would be without You..

Give us this day our daily bread...

I think of each thing we need on a daily basis to sustain life. My medical issues have reminded me of this oh so clearly-- even the simplicity of needing air and the capability to breath. There are a pluthra of elements which we need in order to physiologically make it through our day. But there is so much more than that; we have emotional, psychological needs, and the list goes on and on. Food does sustain us, but the bread is also representative of the body of Christ. I've lived for a while on this earth without Christ and... well it wasn't good. I have written enough about chaos and evil and the trials that are present in this world. I know what it is like to live only in the presence of these elements. I can't do it without Christ as well. It is a need I have in order to have life (and you can take life on every or any level you wish). I feel I should also share that I know what it is like to be very close to those who don't...I want to be careful how I chose my words...have this same perception of need for Christ. And I have to respect that it is THEIR CHOICE in this. I know what I believe, and I can share (and will share) what I believe, but I will also share that it is NOT my choice to make these beliefs others as well. They have to choose. I have a role, I believe this, but sometimes I have to except that my role is simply to be me and allow others to see and experience who I am. And all the while I have to let them deal with that and come unto that on their own. I can be me. But I cannot, and do not want to make choices for someone else as to what they do or not believe. I can ask that God would give us our daily bread, though.

And forgive us our trespasses...

Yes, please please please forgive me for my trespasses. I desire to ask what I may not realize I have done which might qualify as a 'trespass'. And I am thankful that I have the ability to interpret for myself what a trespass might entail. Choice. I love that choice is such a central element to religion and spirituality. But I have to choose to see what I have done that I do not want to do again. I have to choose to reflect and decide if I need (personally want) to do something in response to one of my trespasses. God doesn't have to forgive me. It is a transaction. I choose how we go about it.

As we forgive those who trespass against us..

It is not just a request that God forgive those who we think may have trespassed against us, not in the slightest. We may request that someone else be forgiven of something, but we must also start within ourselves and ask if we have forgiven them. I have been through some pretty misrible things in life, but I have done everything I can to come to terms with each and every situation so that I might forgive them. Forgiveness is not simply something that you think and decide upon and still hold negative thoughts about them. Forgiveness is so much deeper than this. It includes understanding who they are, where they might be coming from and the context of the situation. I must do what I can to see through their eyes to the best of my ability, and come to learn how to forgive them what they have done, recognizing that it is or was their choice (presumably) and allow it to fall away-- regardless of if I do or do not agree with what it is that they have done. I must find 'what it is that they are telling me about God', as I like to ask myself. It is a matter of coming to a point where I can understand the fullness of the situation as much as I possibly can and then continue to look beyond the situation at what else is within or a part of the person at hand. What more is there to this person than this 'trespass'? I can ask God to forgive, but I must also forgive in my own way.

And lead us not into temptation..

We have so much temptation in life. And, sadly, it only become easier and easier to access and/or follow through with. It can even be as simple as which words we allow to come out of our mouth, what we allow ourselves to get from the music, the tv, the internet, and so on that we take in. What do you do with all that is around you? Remember to stop and take a look at your habits every now and again and ask yourself what you are okay with, knowing that it (in all reality) a deep part of you. Knowing that it does indeed have an affect and influence on others. For me, these words also mean a request to help me to see what my temptations are and how they are relating me to or pulling me away from God.

But deliver us from evil.

Chaos. It surrounds us. Think of the number of people (even just the people that you know and see regularly) who would not be here if it would not be for the ways that they have been delivered from evil. For me, I have been delivered from evil from God. In some instances, it may be directly. In other instances it has been through the work of someone else who is embodying God. In still other instances, it has been God embodied in me that I have been able to deliver others from evil. I mean this with wholehearted sincerity and a very real reality. I have (several) stories of lives that I have saved through God working within me. And I mean the word 'saved' not just in the idea of 'saved-- came to believe in Christ', but literally they would have been dead as in not breathing, heart not pumping. Ask me and I will share some of my stories with you.


When I pray I push myself to think about these elements. When I hear others pray, I hope with all that I have that they think about at least some of these things at least some of the time that they are praying-- we all have to start somewhere.

Praying is not simply something where you say words and ask God to do things for you or share things with Him hoping that He can help. Prayer means opening up your heart to the most vulnerable place and asking Him to take care of you-- even when you don't want to be taken care of. It is acknowledging who He is and reaffirming your belief in His reality each and every time you pray. But beyond that, it is also looking into yourself and seeing what role you play and all of this as well. Our world is not some mass puppet show where there's this big ol' God with white skin and dark hair, a beard and sandals, moving us around, dictating our every move and already decided upon our future. Far from it. He has managed to make us in this complex and mystifying way so that He is there and capable of ANYTHING and yet we get to choose what we want with our life.

God is there regardless. Period. He has given us a choice in life, we get to choose if we believe in Him or not, but He is NOT going to make the decision for us even though he could. We get to choose if we want to live our life recognizing His power and presence in the world or not. It's plain and simple like that.

But what gets complicated is what happens beyond that. I choose to believe that He is real and I continually chose to try to recognize Him in my everyday life. And I have to choose it regularly, because it is easy to not choose to see it. Or, to not let yourself recognize it. But when I let myself, and when I slow myself and see God all around me....it is more than I, the one who has so many words to write out, have words for.

Prayer is like that too. We can choose to pray, but we can also choose if we want to be a part of what we are praying about or for. I choose if I want to just pray for a friend who needs support or if I pray for them and also ask what it is that I can do to be of support. And I choose if I act upon what I see as options for how I might help to give someone what they need. Or, what I need.

I pray continually but I have to remember to also actively look for how I might find what I need or even if what I think I need is really what I need.

It is a process of relaxing into the world, relaxing into what is God around you and within you and seeing the world from that perspective, in addition to the perspective you had prior to relaxing into this new perspective.

I am regularly amazed at of the things of God that are around me. That are around us all.

I have been toying with the idea of working on a few pieces of my writing and moving towards having them published. Sometimes I think about the first chapter of the book that I have written and wonder if I should sit back down with it and continue through it. At least to begin thinking about the characters again and mentally allowing them to develop.

I have also toyed with the idea of allowing the process of my poetry to be displayed here. I haven't quite gotten that far yet, though. Poetry is a little too intimate for me to feel one hundred percent ready to post them here. It is a little bit different with the final product, or at least something that is relatively together. Sometimes poetry comes out together, needing only little work. But other times, when you push for it, it doesn't always come out quite right the first time around. These are the pieces which I shy away from sharing. That or it is simply far too personal. I'm not sure what it is about words which impact me enough to only share certain ones. Well, I have an idea of why some of it is that way.

The question I've been balancing, though, is how far I want to push myself with it.

Until then, I thought I'd put a few entries in my writers notebook down here. Some may have already unfolded into posts that are here, others may come in their due time, and others may remain, ready and waiting for the muse to hit me.


The collision of cultures
Relatively clean varsity team
moral maturity
don't cool off, I like your warmth.
I try to tell my head to try to tell my heart
Another example of bus throwing.
The history of my dreams.
No time for showers when you're writing about Higher Education
Cooler than the flip side of my pillow
The honest cries of breaking hearts are better than a hallelujah
So that I can finally see where you go when you're gone.
You sit in the garden, clutching my coffee, calling me sugar.
It's not about how we do things, it's about how we think about things.
I'm suffering from time poverty.
We're only half way past the point of no return.
Test tube toilets
Even when my door changes location.
My throat hurts from not telling.
Predictably irrational.
My job is based on the whims of 17 year-olds
Frustration is bread from passion
Headline as headaches
assault my eyes
The spiritual journey almost always involves traveling companions.
The concept of mothering many through how you live your life verses mothering (instead) the children you have.
How ethics connects to passion.
Odious
If change takes a great deal of time, why then do we struggle when we experience change?
I miss the sound of your voice.


You may recognize some of these as song lyrics, one even came from a commercial. Mostly, though, they come from every day conversations, class discussions, and the every day elements that fill my life.

If you're out there reading this, please feel free to take anything that might have grabbed hold of you and run with it. Go write. Think. Enjoy. Words are an amazing thing, cherish them.

Since you see me, here, reflecting upon and looking into these little gems, chances are good that poetry is coming. Or, prose. Perhaps a short story. Something has slowly been building. But finals are also here. Either long streaks of creative writing is about to explode or a spell of academia will consume me. It could be both. Feel free to stay tuned.

Tonight's music post

Sometimes we need music. Nothing else will work, will feed that need that we can't quite put our finger on. Or, rather, know exactly where to place our finger yet nothing settles what is unsettled within you. This is where music can come and heal.



This Road by Jars of Clay (click the title to listen)

All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
may Christ in our marrow, carry us home.
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

Impact

I find it amazing how significant of an impact one person's words can have on you.

"I feel blessed to have a friend like you."

It has been a tough week, not bad, just tough. We have them sometimes, it is just how life works. I truly believe, though, that they are a lot of what makes us who we are.

How do you respond when you are told that people are talking behind your back?

A lot of our life comes down to what we are willing to fight for. I have been writing here about passion, standing up for something, the chaos amongst the world and our presence through each aspect of it.

What are you willing to fight for? Do you know? Do you know what you would give up your life for? Or for whom? Would you give your life to save a stranger's? What about a child?


We watched some clips in one of my classes this past week. I was moved deeply by some of the footage I saw. I think that it is one thing to read about or even talk about, on a simple level, something which happened a long time ago. Maybe the story touches us lightly, but something about seeing a black woman walk to school while being followed by the majority of the white people in town, all of who are tormenting her all along the way, does much more than listening to the story through a class lecture. We also saw a man attempting to walk to class who was physically being beaten along the way. And neither fought back. They did not fight back. Not once. Not in the slightest.


I have been in a situation where I quite literally felt like I was fighting for my life. The woman who I was sparring (sparring is a controlled fight. It is an elaborate game of tag. While the possibility of injury is present, the intention for injury should not be. Control is a key element in sparring) a woman who was also a second degree black belt from a different school. She was upset because her contact lens fell out within the first few seconds of the match. I'm not sure if this sparked a temper or if she simply had poor technique and lack of control. Either way, and to make a long story short, she fought me using full contact (hitting me as hard as she possibly could), and the ref chose not to call her on excessive contact. I can take a hit. You don't practice martial arts for several years without learning how to take a hit in a way that minimizes impact. By the end of the match, I had two purple eyes, a black and blue ridge of my nose, and severe damage to my neck. She punched me at the base of the head, right along the first vertebra. This is what we call a vital spot. It is not permitted in sparring (or ever). If you hit it, even without significant force, you will kill the person. I am not sure how I am not dead. And I am not sure how I am walking still today. But what I am sure of is the feeling I had while in the ring. They say that when it comes down to it, your body and brain reaches a point where it must decide between fight or flight. I had chosen fight. But here is what I do not understand: I never hit her even just one time, within the entire match, with uncontrolled force. I was winning the match, hitting her between 3-5 times per her every one hit to me. Yet she left uninjured.


How is it that our body and mind will come to a point where we must choose between fight or flight and yet we skate along somewhere in the middle? When I had paramedics around me and the ref came and asked me if I was done with the match, it probably took me a full minute to respond. In my head I kept repeating over and over again that I just have to finish the match, I just had to get through until they yell "time". It'll be over soon, I just have to get through it. I was in fight mode, but I refuse to hurt the woman who I felt was trying to kill me.


As I watched the man who was hit in the head with a brick, he did not show any emotion on his face. He did not fight back. He did not speak. He showed no visible reaction.

This leads me in two directions: 1) the concept of being in that situation and not returning the hurt and 2) the idea of being in that situation where you desire to purposely cause harm to another being.

I will start with the second.


What does it take to want to kill someone? This is not a concept that I understand. I do believe that there are out-of-this-world possibilities in some instances-- satan is a very real and powerful being. I want to move beyond the concept of murder though, and elements along that line. I want to know what has happened, what has been done for someone to feel so strongly about something like a person who has brown or black skin entering a high school or college with people who have 'white' skin that they feel the need or a deep enough desire to act upon their internal reaction and physically beat that person. I cannot imagine what it is like to beat someone. Do you not see the pain spread across their face? Do you not see the pain radiate throughout their body? Have you not felt pain yourself?

What have we done in our world to show that this is an okay thing to do? How does living through watching situations like this, be it watching slaves being beating as you grew up, your mother or siblings being beaten by someone, whatever the situation might be, make you act out in that manner? I know that there are psychological elements which come into play with this. But what I don't understand is coming unto a situation where you UNDERSTAND what it is like to be beaten or to witness abuse and then turn around, disregarding the turmoil you have experienced, which comes with the understanding, and do that same thing to someone else-- regardless of if you know them or not.

We talk about nature verses nurture and all of these crazy elements in attempts to explain why we are the way we are or how we come to be who we are and the list goes on and on and on and on. Regardless, how does it come to this? This was not a situation where the lives those who were causing the harm were in danger.

And I wonder, what must it be like to do something like throw a brick at another human's head, with the intent to harm, and watch them take the abuse and not fight back? What is it like to see someone simply take the abuse and externally not do a single thing in response?

I know what it is like to not do something in response, but I do not know what it is like to be on the other end.

I can think of instances where I have put myself in positions so that if the possibility of whatever tragic event I see could possibly play out would have its greatest impact on me rather than say the pedestrians who are crossing the street. Perhaps this is part of what leads me to the questions I have been asking here.


I have switched, now, into the first of the two concepts-- being in the situation where another is causing you harm and choosing not to fight back. I do not wish to go into detail, so I will not, but I have been in this situation many times. I understand that my choices through which has made a significant impact on who I am today.

I cannot understand it, but through time and, I believe, practice there comes a point where while someone is verbally stabbing you with a knife or even physically harming you, where you realize and can see, intimately, what is behind their attack. The root to what has brought them to this point. Many times it only has partially to do with you, the one receiving the attack, if at all. There is something within that seeing, the understanding, the somehow intuitively knowing that you are able to not fight back. Or even responding with what they truly need rather than respond to what they are externally showing you.

I suppose this internal, intuitive understanding I am speaking of here could ultimately answer the second concept I have talked about above. Through seeing into them, beyond the hurt that they are causing, there is a somehow understood root of just what it was that brought them there. Or, at the very least, what it is that they need within that moment to help them see beyond the desire to inflict pain upon another.


I tie this back now to the passion, frustration and chaos that I have spoken of in my previous entries. There is no single sever reaction (and I do see it as a reaction) like those that I am speaking of, which happen without the elements that come when we have thoroughly surpassed frustration. The passion that is so deeply seeded within has a great deal to do with the external actions.

With a deep passion, though, also comes a deep need to be understood, valued and through which respected. When these things feel as though they have been violated, great things come as a consequence. I ask, more than anything else, what it is that you do with your desired reaction?

When you know that many people are and have been talking behind your back, how do you react?

You've already expressed who you are, why you are the way you are, and an openness for feedback.

When your passion is placed into jeopardy, or disrespected, it is easy to react-- to want to sling blades of the tongue, or in the situation of the video that we watched, a brick to the black man's head simply for being him.

I do not believe in these things. I have somehow come to understand them, to know that there is something more, internally, happening, but I do not believe in them.

But what I have started this entry with is the concept of how powerful the words from a single person can be. Do you remember the moments when someone shared something with you that you needed more than you realized? Have you ever felt invalidated in who you are or a passion that you have? Think also of what it was like when someone said something which calmed those fears, soothed the pain and reminded you that who you are is what I need.

I thank you for giving that to me.


As difficult as it is to understand the reason, the spark which light the fire, the deeply rooted happenings which have led to hurting another, so it can be equally, yes equally, difficult to share how positively someone has impacted your life, even within one moment. Or how much you care about someone.

I ask you and have all the hope to empower you to share with others how you feel and how they have impacted your life, regularly. It is difficult, but so often too we make their world right again by doing so. And more often than not, we do not have the slightest idea as to how much we helped them, through our sharing how they have helped us. And more than anything else, we never know when we may or may not have the chance to share the things that we have thought but have not spoken with them.

Thank you for what you have done for me. And for any of you who have opened up, thank you for sharing pieces of what I have done for you.

Writing about writing

I must start with a side note-- I hate, with a passion, yes hate, h-a-t-e when you learn things on facebook that you should never, ever learn first from facebook. Don't tell me something bad has happened to someone I really care about via your status. Pick up the phone and call me first. Yes, "it is a good way to get the word out quick" but it also does a world of hurt to the heart to find out that way. On the phone, you can ask questions. You can feel comfort from the person you are talking with. You can even cry together, if you need to. Or, at the very least, be concerned together, in shock, not talk about it together, whatever the situation calls for. Finding out on facebook only makes you feel more isolated. Yes, sometimes its REALLY hard to give people news, but at least text it. Yes, yes, I know that texting it is not the most ideal way to go about it, but you can still converse over text. There is lag on telling people via facebook status. Just. don't. do. it.

Okay, side note done-- my apologies.


I have, in all honesty, come to write here several times throughout the past couple (which feels like several) days. Sometimes opening up a new post, not even striking a key before I end up closing it again. Other times writing part of a sentence and then closing again. Still others, writing a decent amount but not wanting to finish and not quite wanting to share it publicly just yet.

There is a need for time to process. Many of my posts are loaded. I would be lying if I said that this is not how my mind works. If you have read even just one or two of my posts here, you more than likely have figured out that what comes out in words is what is inside of me regularly. Although this is true, this does not mean that I always want it there with such intensity. It is a part of me, though. Somehow, I am just it's keeper. Sometimes, though, being the keeper is too much and I must rest.

With rest comes a building need. Although I am not writing, I might be sorting through thoughts mentally-- they are nearly interchangeable for me. But this too becomes too much at times. The mind, perhaps the spirit too, requires rest and time to let the concepts and questions to fall away before we feel ready to pick them back up again. This is where I have been most recently.

I say that this is where the beauty of the writer's notebook comes into play. I have been jotting down things like a fiend! Which is also why I have come so many times to write here yet have not fully done so until just now. Regardless, I have all of these thoughts, gems, stowed away in my notebook, ready for me to pull them out and deal with them, put on my cap as keeper again, and express them through word.


I have to also say that this time away from reflection is not an easy time period, not just because the thoughts and the internal need to continue to process and discover does not go away, but also because the NOT dealing also cause a sense of unrest. Restlessness.

Have you ever found yourself realizing that you are in some sort of funk only to then realize that you don't really know why you are in that funk? That is how I get. I realize that I have a lot of wrestling going on inside, thoughts and perhaps feelings I have not taken the time to deal with.

I am not quite ready to deal with all of them yet, but I have to say that that is okay. That is another interesting element in it all. Certain things we have to deal with, process. It will consume us if we do not. But, luckily, magically, we do not always have to deal with all of them all of the time or right at that particular moment in time. "Compartmentalizing", it can be healthy and unhealthy. Quite simply, I have found myself on both ends of the spectrum. I would be surprised to find anyone who has not.

And although this is the place I seem to have been finding myself within the past couple of days, last night, dead tired and attempting to stay awake long enough to get into bed, I pulled out my journal (hand written) and poured out a poem I didn't know I had flowing around in me.

You would think that after about twenty-one years of writing (I'm 24 now), I would have this concept that writing is central to who I am figured out a bit more. I am not quite sure how I don't seem to fully comprehend that fact. It is almost as though I rediscover it every single time I sit down and suddenly have pages upon pages of writing, so much so that I regularly find myself in disbelief at how readily it all came pouring out. Maybe that is some of the beauty of it too; I forget that I "can write". Truthfully, the idea of sharing my writing with someone else, even someone I trust completely and know I will not judge me at all, is remarkably intimidating for me. Which is interesting to also know that this blog is 100% public-- I even have the link on my facebook page. (I think starting this blog was partly a means to push myself to get my writing out in a space where others can 'read' that part of who I am again.)

I find that it is different when someone else starts up a conversation about my writing. I like hearing what others think, a lot actually. But because of many things long ago, I fear what that reaction will be. Expression should be something to feel secure about and to take pride in. What the tricky part is, is that it is so deeply personal. But I have decided to be okay with that. I want, at least a few, people to read what I write. I want to continuously push myself to keep showing new sides of myself through writing. I enjoy having it come up randomly in conversation and I enjoy hearing what others think of what I speak through my writing. There is always wondering when we put something out there.


And, yet again, I have to say that I came to write about something remarkably different than what I have placed here. That's okay, the thoughts are in my head, they will be here soon :)

Worlds Apart, rolling through me

It is again that I find myself sitting here wishing to write out the thoughts in my mind via blog rather than work on the essay that is due tomorrow. It'll get done...just after this.

I put my rollerblades on with a spur of the moment desire to go for a ride. I stuck the end of my headphones into the input in my phone and started up the pandora application on it. Jars of Clay quickly rang through my ears with their song, "Worlds Apart" Lyrics are as follows:

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=XTq9TtnCe3g&feature=related


I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart



I have to back step now.

My first year in college, a friend and I got up every week day morning at 6am and went to work out. I was training for my first degree black belt, and later nationals and she just wanted a buddy to work out with. Our schedules were opposite so 6am was the only time that worked for both of us.

Frequently, I did not go to bed until about 4am that year. We were always doing something (usually having good conversation) late at night.

Regardless, the year progressed and this is what we did. I am not overly sure how I managed to function, but somehow I did.

Fall and winter came and went and spring was finally here. I decided that I wanted to rollerblade each morning for a while instead of going to the gym to do cardio and lift. The first morning, still half asleep, I managed to make it over to Lakeview Drive which is laced by mansions, plush lawns, beautiful trees, and lake Michigan. The road winds around the lake and there is a beautiful hill sliding you down to a series of parks before it takes you into the heart of the city. As my coordination grew and as I became more awake, I reached the top of this hill and this song came on over my ipod.

The sun was rising over the water and the sky was an awe-striking series of oranges, pinks, yellows and just a hint of blue. The clouds remained long enough to greet the sun, tenderly kissing it good morning, and then became lost in the sky. The sun reflected itself in the waves of the water-- it was as though someone had scattered the top of the lake with yellow glitter.

As I flew down the hill, all eight wheels spinning fast, the ending portion of this song came on-- my favorite part of my all time favorite song. The warm wind, warm for the first time in several months, swept its way across my face and teased my hair. I flew my hands out to my sides, my head up to the sky and sung along to the music pouring out of my headphones as loud as the machine would allow it.

At 6am you do not care who is around you or what they might think of you as you allow yourself to be swept up in a moment of true joy-- especially when your year has been long and hard and this is the first time in a long time that you have felt this truly good from the inside out.

My world had been taken apart and nothing outside of that moment mattered.


When I had my blades on tonight, my key off its ring and in my hand, I locked my door and hit play. Worlds apart started working its way into my soul once again and for the five minutes that the song played, I was five years younger rolling down the hill on a perfect morning, praising the fact that I was able to find a few moments peace amongst the chaos.

Train-- I'm About To Come Alive

Do you ever hear a song for the first time that just grabs hold of your heart and wont let go? One where you feel tears behind your eyes before you realize why they are there?

"Maybe I'm not but you're all that I've got left to believe in
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive
And I know that it's been hard
And it's been a long time comin'
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive."

Train just did that to me.



Don't give up on me.

................................................

There is so much more to write here. But not publicly. Just think about what it means and what it is like to look at someone and ask, "don't give up on me."

Migraine Mornings

I would rather wake up to the sound of Sandburg's fire alarm at four in the morning than wake up in the morning with a migraine. (Sandburg is the set of residence halls I worked in at Milwaukee). Sandburg's fire alarm is loud and obnoxious. As an RA, when you hear it go off, you don't know if it'll mean sitting in the lounge until you know for sure someone burnt something in the microwave or if you'll be pounding on doors, waking up your 72 residents and trying to convince them to walk down the 26 or 25 flights of stairs to go stand outside. And four in the morning is just one of the worst times to be woken up in the middle of the night.

But I would take this in a heartbeat when faced with the choice of a four AM Sandburg fire alarm and waking up with a migraine.

Waking up with a migraine is more painful that imaginable. Its like having labor pains at the top of your neck that radiate up the back of your head, like fingers snaking their way to your temples, right between your eyes and tensing every teeny muscle along your jaw line and the edge of your face. My nerves stand on edge. I can feel shocks run down my body. They settle in the edges of the back of my shoulders, slide down the back of my arms and bury themselves deep in my elbows, looking for a home. My legs feel like they're moving because I can feel the shocks run up and down up and down up and down each muscle in them. My nerves are on edge. Don't touch me! Or wrap your arms around me and hold me really tight-- don't let go. Give me something soft but nothing else.

It hurts so bad I can hardly move. I hurt so much that it hurts to have my head laying on my pillow. My neck is throbbing and the pain is excruciating if I try to move my head. I can't move but I know if I sit up and try to get comfortable that way, that some of the pain will go away. I try to convince myself to get up to take something to make it more manageable, and myself somewhat functional but it hurts so much I can't move. I manage to get up and take a muscle relaxant and some excedrin migraine. I stumble out to the couch, where its still dark in my living room with the blinds closed. My apartment phone rings and I have no choice but to answer it. I suddenly find myself in the battle of weighing out which is worse: the pain and discomfort of moving or the piercing sound of the phone ringing. Suddenly I find myself praying that the train doesn't go by anytime soon.

I get back to the couch, curl up and pull my softest blanket so that it surrounds me. And I let my mind wonder while I wait for the pain in my neck to dull. When it finally does, I'm dizzy and so nauseous that I can't even enjoy my morning coffee. Since I'm used to coffee every morning, not drinking my usual caffeine may continue the migraine, so I balance feeling sick to my stomach with trying to convince myself to choke down my coffee.

My favorite part of Saturday mornings is royally spoiled.

My neck finally loosens enough for me to feel like I can move around again. I feel like maybe I've gotten it under control and then the pain shoots across my head and I know it's time to use my migraine med before I feel paralyzed for the day. It takes two hours before it fully starts to work. If two hours come and go and it hasn't started helping, I have to take another and pray that in two more hours it will start working.

The med makes me feel out of it and puts my nerves on an even sharper edge. The feeling you get when your foot falls asleep and is all tingly (painfully so) radiates throughout my whole body, centralizing in certain locations-- my neck and into my face, my shoulders, elbows and my knees and everything below them. If it lasts long enough, I'll want to cry at everything-- getting up from the couch, sitting down, trying to eat lunch and the list continues.

These used to last me well over a month at a time. Once I hit a point where I can't take the pain and flaring nerves anymore, and I start to have an emotional melt down, then I know I have to go to the hospital. Three days in a row I'll go in and they'll give me an IV treatment. It'll knock me out and I'll sleep more than I'll be awake. I'll lose most of my short term memory for about a week. I won't remember that we went to grandma and grandpa's. I won't remember the pictures I took, which I knew I took so that I could capture the moments I knew I wouldn't remember happened a few weeks later. You'll call me and tell me all about Christmas, sharing the stories I love to hear and the things you share only just now and again, and when I see you next I'll be upset that I can't remember that you already told me the things I'm asking you about.

In the morning, when I first wake up with a migraine, I'll fear that this will be the path I'm headed down again.

If I'm lucky, I'll kick it within the first twenty four hours. If I'm a little lucky, I'll kick it within three days, all the while worrying about whether or not it will go away or if it'll mean a trip to the hospital. I'll push through the pain, which becomes somewhat manageable when the meds are helping, and my nerves standing on edge. I'll be emotional and hate it cause it takes me a while to realize that the reason I'm upset when I usually wouldn't be is because of the migraine. I'll feel fine for 20 minutes here and there, maybe even a couple hours, only to feel on edge all over again. I'll walk through the world in a haze, annoyed that I can't tap into my passion and positivity readily like I usually can.

But then it'll all come to an end. And, while still fearing that it's not completely gone yet and wondering how I used to do this every day for a whole year, I'll start to feel really good. The desire to strangle anyone who complains about something little while I'm pushing through the migraine will settle down and fall away. And finally I'll feel sooo incredibly amazing because now the pain is gone and my nerves aren't on edge anymore.


Yes, I would much rather wake up to the sound of a Sandburg fire alarm at four in the morning than wake up in the morning with a migraine.
Migraine of mine, please go away so that I don't have to wake up to you again in the morning.

Where does passion stem from?

Last night, in class, I was listening to a presentation and the presenter talked about the passion a woman had for her work and, more so, her students. From this, with time, I'm sure I will write several entries. One element, though, stuck out strongly for me-- something which has been on my mind thoroughly for the past (June, July, August, September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April...) eleven months and a little more: Where does passion stem from?


You are about to learn a lot about me.


I am,
here and now,
sharing it,
which does not always come readily,
with you.

Publicly.


Passion has always been a large part of who I am. It drives me. It has determined, several times over, who I am and who I want to be. Passion is one of the most inspirational things I have ever encountered, if not the most inspirational. It has been this way my entire life and I rest knowing that this will always be the case.

Where, though, does it begin?


Life is not always fair. How often do we avoid this thought? Frequently-- I would be surprised to hear otherwise. Is unfairness something to avoid thinking about? Perhaps. But what I think about here is the sermon I was able to listen to online which my pastor gave this past weekend, at Epikos church in Milwaukee Wisconsin, 4-11-10. I have the link posted below-- please feel free to listen to what I miss so dearly... Rock on Danny Parmelee!

http://epikos.org/media/online-sermons.php


Danny speaks in a way to relate the word of God to the every day lives of the people around us in the here and now. He has a particular focus on college students, but our church was not limited to this. He channels God and allows Him to speak through him. I cannot fail to believe this when I hear Danny's passion when he/He speaks. He recognizes the realities of life-- he's lived many of them --but he also recognizes the realities of God in a way that I will forever refuse to deny. And he recognizes that sometimes life feels unfair. This is what he says:

"...well the Bible also talks about being a fool for Christ. [...'In I Corinthians, chapter 1, it says it in there a bunch of times'...] and it's centered on the message where it says that the message of the cross is foolishness to the world. That means that the gospel, the good news of Jesus, is foolish; it doesn't make a lot of sense.
Have you ever caught yourself saying, life. isn't. fair? This. isn't far! Do you know what? The good news, the gospel of Jesus Christ, the forgiveness of sins.. is. not. fair! You don't deserve it! You didn't do anything for it! You're not good enough for God, and yet, because of His grace, He chose you! Because of His grace, He allowed His son to be crucified for you!
And so because of that foolishness, that is offered to us, those who believe also respond in foolishness. [...] for Christ. [...] That no matter what the fear is, what the risk is, what the embarrassment is, that you would take that step of faith, that you would walk through those doors. That as Christ calls us into relationship with God, the Father, that He calls us to be His ambassador. [...] That we are then called to be the very body of Christ. But do you know that God, in His own foolishness, has called you not only to be His sons and daughters, but for something even greater than building a city [for Christ]? [...]

But what about the things in your own life? [...] and ask, 'God, are the things that I'm actually concerned about, concerns of You?' [...] How might we respond to God?"


I want you to think about everything but what may sound cliche in this message. Choose to refuse to tolerate the stereotype. Keep reading.


Life. Is. Not. Fair. But you know what is not fair? That Jesus died on the cross for us. Jesus was perfect! Literally! He was perfect... and yet He died. Not just died, He was killed. I cannot think of anything more unfair than this.


How is it, then, that I can believe in God so fiercely when unfairness surrounds me? How do I find passion in life when the realities of trials surround me? (This is another entry-- read Job (in the Bible). And read "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner)


Did you know that satan was an angle? God created satan. How does that make sense? God created evil? NO. I did not say God created evil. God created angles and the world and life. God took, and continues to take chaos and turns it into something good. But think about when you have been in moments of chaos. How much of it can you control at any one time? Only certain elements of it, you cannot control it all at once. You have to choose which elements you will control, alter so that you are able to produce something positive from the chaos. But with the elements that you are not able to alter, the chaos remains and often times reeks havoc. Nothing more can be done other than doing what you can to pull as many positive (good) elements out of the chaos as you possibly can.

This is the role of God. He is all knowing-- imagine what that would be like. He knew when He created the world that it would be complete chaos. He knew that with chaos would come elements that even He could not control (can you believe that?!). He knew that evil would live within the chaos. But He also knew of the great goodness that would come with His creation. 'The good far outweighs the bad.'

(P.S. Apparently I lied, I writing the entry I thought would wait for later now, in addition to the one I started out intending to pour out)

When life is unfair, the elements of unfairness (trials, death, terminal illness, etc.) are not God.
What is unfair is not God.

His word says that He will punish like a parent rebukes their child. But I ask you this, does the "good" parent punish their child without helping the child to understand the reasoning behind which? No. God does not punish us through placing elements of unfairness in our lives. (Kushner)

It took me a long time to come to believe that.
Let me say it again.
God does NOT punish us through placing elements of unfairness, trials in our lives.

God places cars driving slowly in front of me when I'm wanting to drive fast (we're talkin' about 10 over, max, and therefore unsafely) on a back country road. My frustrating in being 'stuck' behind a 'slow' car, in those moments, is God teaching me patience. Him teaching me that I need to abide by the rules of the roads. He is teaching me like a parent teaches a stove is hot while cooking to the child who nearly touches it. He wants me to be safe. He loves me, He uses His love to teach me.

God did not put trial in my life to teach me.

God did not put trial in my life to make me a stronger person. I have become a strong person because I have faced trial in life. I have gained faith through the FACT that God helps us when we are greeted by trial. God does not give us these trials.


I have another entry that is posted here about finding peace within chaos (titled "Captivating Chaos"). The moments of peace when the world around us is far too much, are the presence of God.

Remember, the world is chaos; God knew its presence would be forever when He created it. But He also knew that He was powerful enough to provide peace throughout the chaos. But what He also knew, with great sadness I imagine, is that evil lives within chaos. Tragedy lives within chaos. What He once created with the intent for pureness and goodness (i.e. an angel) may become chaotic, deriving away from what is good (e.g. satan). And He knew how hard this was going to be for all of us...here, living with it.

So what did He do? He gave us His son. Can you believe that? You have ONE kid, just one. And you give it away. You give it away knowing that it will die after you've given it away.

Life. Is. Not. Fair.
But you know what is unfair? That Jesus died for us. That God gave us His son so that He could die for us.

Why would He do that?!


God is not human.

He can understand us, but before Jesus, He could only understand us as His creation. He could only understand us from the outside in. Then He created His son and sent Him to live on earth as a human. While Jesus was on earth and human, God became one with Him. God was able to experience what Jesus experienced. Jesus lived a human life and it is through this life that Jesus lived that God learned what being human was like from the INSIDE OUT rather than from the outside in.

Jesus died for us. And God experienced death. And God rosevJesus up to heaven, where He was, and He created the Holy Spirit so that a portion of God could remain alive on earth-- 'cause that's what the Holy Spirit is, it is God living (alive) within us.

He feels us. He feels what we feel. He experiences what we experience, because now He knows and understands what it is like to be human. When we cry out to Him, in anger, in fear, in denial, in pure emotion, He knows what we are feeling. He experiences it there with us.

When we ask Him why?, He feels the why too. His anger when chaos causes tragedy happens emanates through us. He is able to transcend His emotion down, into, and through us. Grief is not only our own, but His also.

When we love another, we are a part of Him-- He is love. He is not tragedy. He is what gets us through tragedy. He desires to be with us, to hold us, to carry us when chaos impales His creation.


God has known this world since its beginning. We have not. But, as we continue to live our time on this world, we begin to see and experience more of it. We learn and come to understand, in ways able, the chaos but also the goodness through which. The trials we experience lead us to the experience of moving through and past (is it possible to fully "pass through" and therefore beyond a trial? I am not fully convinced that it is) trials. We experience what it is like to smile when you never thought you could feel a smile spread across your face again.

We experience the "little things" which help us to see and realize why God still went ahead and created all of who we are and what we have when He knew that doing so would also mean chaos-- trial. We see that life can be unfair, but we learn the good and how to hang onto it through the chaos.

God emanates His emotion through us and we feel greatness and love. We see that what we have, when we have it, is something to be cherished. We know how quickly it can disappear. We learn to be captivated and to allow ourselves to experience, knowing the possibility for hurt/unfairness/chaos yet relearning again and again how to push beyond that knowledge and risk it for the possibility of what is good. To be foolish for Christ.

It leads us to desire to find greatness in everything. Which, for me, is the same as a leading desire to witness God in every moment.

An understanding of what is-- chaos and it's opposite --leads to a deeply seeded desire, passion, for life. For the life that pushes through chaos.

Passion, then, stems from an understanding of what is, what has been and what can be. Passion stems from the way God has and is moving in our life. Passion is God's desire for us, as His creation, His children, to have and live greatness. Passion is His desire to be with us. Passion is His desire for us to be with Him. Passion stems from God's presence in the world He has created for us.

Stand up

I find it purely sad how unwilling we are, as a university, to work with each other across organizations. I have been a part of a silo campus before, which is still very much siloed, but I take pride in the collaboration which we were able to foster during the past couple of years and how this has continued to grow since I completed my time there.

We talk about what we would like ideally. We have creative and, at first glance, crazy ideas, yet we see that there are politics and a silo culture to which we are so we are stifled and move to the wayside.

We are stifled and move to the wayside.

What happens when we stand up and fight against it? Lets come back to this.


We share ideas and create a vision, goals, of what we want. Eventually someone is appointed to take the lead. They run with it and bring the beginning bits back to the group, and now, quickly, with and without anticipation, we are brought back to the politics and silo nature of our reality. Accredited qualifications are no longer qualifying.

What is qualified or, the true meaning intended, acceptable is bringing someone in who is outside of our silo, appealing to the political stake holder(s). They will give a presentation, possibly in an under-prepared manor, and the vision and goals of the committee are not met. But, we worked with someone outside of our silo and therefore we have accomplished what has been asked of us.


I am thankful that we have a group who pushes beyond what has been done (and by pushing beyond I mean take what was and continue to work with and build upon it. Not recreating the wheel nor disregarding what was). I appreciate that we have a group which is willing to fight for the next level.

I will stand up.

If we have been asked to work with others outside of our silo, then why not do so? I intend this as a loaded question.

If we have a desire to work with others, for whatever reason, even simply because its something that literature says we 'should' do. Great! I am all for it! But why half-ass it? Why should we give or do any less than all we have and all we can? Anything outside of everything is something I do not understand-- even through the instances when I myself have not given my all. I will say it again, anything outside of everything is something I do not understand.

If we would like to work with others, then let us work with others! Let there be no limitation! But, and this is a rather large but, we must first prepare ourselves for doing so.

How can we study diversity if we do not know what diversity is? How can we come to see, understand (as much as we can from the outside) and experience the diversity of others if we do not first know and come to terms with our own individual diversity? How can we, collectively, approach others openhearted and openmindedly if we are unable to do so first as a collective? How are we to create a relationship with those outside of our silo if we are not first willing to create relationships within our silo? How are we to work with others outside of our silo if we are not first able and DESIRE to work within our silo?


These are the elements which we became aware of as a group. These are the elements we wanted to talk about and move away from. But politics stifles us.

How can we overcome?
We will overcome. We will meet the desires of the political stake holder(s) but I hope and pray and will stand up for a way to meet their desires with intentionality, purpose, and in a way which meets the vision and goals the committee has set out to accomplish. I will stand up for diversity with all that I have. I will stand up for our team becoming stronger. And the first way I will stand up is by sitting and listening. Working to understand. Contemplating. Sharing thoughts and ideas. Standing up any and every time needed to share why I feel so deeply. Where there is a dream, there is a way.

I will stand up.

Passionate Frustration-- Continued

I remember, now, why I was frustrated yesterday. There's a class I'm in that drives me nuts at the moment. I found myself frustrated because I had absolutely no desire to write the paper assignment we were given. It was due Monday night and I still was not done early Monday afternoon.

I enjoy writing a great deal; I wouldn't have a blog if I didn't enjoy writing at least in the slightest. So when it comes to academic papers, yes there are some that I wouldn't mind doing without, but generally speaking I thoroughly enjoy putting my thoughts down on paper and therefore don't mind them much. I learn more about myself as I write. So even when I am working on an assignment that I don't really enjoy or a topic matter that I have little interest in, I am still somehow able to find a way to enjoy at least some of the writing process.

This assignment, though, I seriously had no desire to put any effort into. This thoroughly frustrated me.

Where does this frustration come from though? So easily we say it is simply because we are upset or don't want to do something that we feel like we have no choice but to do. Or we see that we have a choice-- I can easily choose to not write the paper --but the result of either choice we make is not something we are satisfied with. These are valid things. But there is more to it than that.

I am irritated with the situation. The lack of organization, being unsure of investment (perhaps of the professor but potentially the program/department in the decisions that led up to how the course is being run), and feeling as though there is little purpose in what has been and will continue to be asked of us. These too are valid things, but again this is not the root of the frustration.

I have chosen to go ahead and find a way to invest myself still in the material-- at least to a small extent. I have chosen to do the assignments, not with as much heart as I do my others but still complete them nonetheless. And this is where the root begins.

In choosing to do the assignments, even halfheartedly, there comes a choice to sacrifice. Sacrifice is the thick meat of the root.

What is sacrifice? What does it mean to sacrifice. I think of what was sacrificed for me, in terms of my religious beliefs, when I consider the term sacrifice. And I consider what I am willing to sacrifice for others-- much more than many, perhaps any, know. Sacrifice is an incredibly intimate portion of our life.

I have chosen to sacrifice sleep, eating meals while doing homework, elements of my job, relationships with others, and time away from myself. I have pushed through sickness when unwise to complete what has been asked of me-- whether there is portrayed (key word there) investment and purpose on the other end or not.

For what things in your life are you willing to sacrifice these same things? What and why are you willing to sacrifice. I think these are important questions.

We sacrifice for what is important to us. We sacrifice for our values, our ethics, what we love.


What happens, then, when something you value, believe in, or love betrays you? Maybe betray is too strong of a word to begin with. What happens when one of these things shows you or emanates, yes, what you still value, believe in and/or love, but also something which you do not?

Frustration.


Frustration, arg!! Frustration because you're not willing to jeopodarize what you value, believe in and/or love, but frustration because you do not like or agree with one element of what you value, believe in, and/or love. There is conflict. But this conflict doesn't erase the value, believe and love. There is still passion-- in other words --and because of this passion is confronted with a roadblock, frustration is produced.


The beautiful thing about understanding this is that when I witness frustration in others, I am able to break it down and soon I can see their passion. And then suddenly there is beauty within frustration.

Passionate Frustration

All day I have been unable to find the music which resonates with my soul. I have put on what I wanted to listen to, what I have been listening to, and considered what I have not yet listened to (more than just a handful of times). None seemed to fulfill my 'music quota' for today. Finally, about twenty-five minutes ago, I put on my "music to sooth the soul" play list and bingo! This has been what I've been wanting all day but couldn't find. And now, of course, I would much rather sit up and listen to this than go to sleep now-- regardless of the fact that my body badly wants sleep. This, though, is not why I came to write. This is just a little piece of my day. My day-to-day. My life with music.


Walking outside tonight, after kids TKD class, the sky looked like the scene on the movie Independence Day where the huge ship is coming over the city, taking up nearly all of the sky. The clouds were so thick and had a estranged, unplanned pattern about them. They were thick and truly beautiful. The sky seemed so low that I felt a desire to reach up and touch it. Or to hunch down a bit, questioning if I should duck. I had forgotten, today, how vast the sky is. One of the beauties of this portion of the state, and it's vast flatness, is how expansively the planes deepen the sky. It is why our sunsets and sunrises are so beautiful and why they stay with us for quite a while, intimately embracing the sky before leaving. It is why we are able to see such rich and inexpressibly pure rays of blue, aqua and...well all the other inexpressible elements present in the cooling evening sky. This too, though, is not what I have come to write about tonight...whops, 12:32am, guess it's morning.


I cannot remember why I found myself frustrated earlier today, but I know that I did. Somehow, my brain jumped from one thought to another until suddenly I realized, or perhaps remembered, rather, that frustration stems from passion. Our first staff meeting of this semester is a prime example of that-- a story for another time.

Ponder that. Think about it: have you ever found yourself frustrated yet unable to connect that frustration back to something you truly care about? Think about it the next time that you are frustrated-- not irritated, not annoyed, not angry but truly frustrated. Why is it that you find yourself in frustration? Is it not related to passion?

This is just the beginning of my thoughts on this. Hopefully-- academics, work, and sickness allowing --more to come soon.

Captivating Chaos

There is something beautiful about how moments of peace present themselves throughout chaos.

How amazing these moments are when they last longer than a moment's time.

As I think this thought, I am also reminded of how movies, television, plays, even music present these elements. I think of films where there is total disaster, or something drastic happens, or, better yet, someone's day is simply hectic and busy, yet for a moment the world slows enough for everything outside of the chaos to come into focus. In movies, television, plays, music and so on, it adds drama. Suspense. In every way, it plays on ethos.

It is being captivated in the present. Not subdued, but achieving a point of captivating presence. And what I mean by this is holding a level of presence which captivates others in the degree of presence you are in.

These, extended, moments are what I love. I enjoy being captivated-- pulled into something in such a way where internally I feel no other option than to be entirely and completely enthralled with what I am experiencing.

It is something I strive to draw out in others.

They are moments I work to enjoy.


"We're half way past the point of no return" I'm in love with this line at the moment. (Pink, 'Glitter in the Air')

I thoroughly enjoy when someone looks at another and says, 'how do you do it?' I was asked that twice today. It has reminded me that I am exactly where I want to be. I am headed in the direction I want to be headed in-- I see greatness in the future. And I recognize that I see future in this light because I work to see greatness now. Not just now, but in those little broken down moments. In moments of presence. I strive for presence.

An inner calm, inner peace during moments of pure intensity is exactly where I find myself now. Looking at it all at once, there is 'too much on my plate'. But I am in love with it. I am in a place where I feel calm, happy, and dare I say even relaxed regardless of all that is going on around me. I attempt to transition from one element of my day into the next and am greeted with some sort of issue, disruption, unexpected news or event, something to add, rearrange or interfere with my schedule. My reaction, though, is contentment.

It's odd.

I enjoy being in this place, being captivatingly present. I enjoy that I have learned how to allow things to move me in a very real and powerful way. I appreciate endurance and flexibility. I appreciate the ability to remain calm. I enjoy being there, being present in the moment and seeing and allowing it to be what it is. I enjoy letting it all fall away. I enjoy being present within moments of chaos.

Disconnected

I was unplugged this weekend and I loved it. The urge to check my phone five million times a day was still there at certain moments, but I also found myself not caring when I did hear it ring or tell me someone sent some form of message. No computer. No time on the internet. It was wonderful.

I have realized recently that TV, my computer, and my phone have become a pretty big distraction. Anyone who has lived with me before knows that I go through a long cycle. I work like a crazy woman, cause I love to be busy, I am the 'energizer bunny', as I like to say. And then I crash-- intentionally. If that makes any sense. I do nothing. I take time to myself and I veg out in front of the TV, my computer, a book, things along those lines.

The trick, then, comes when I don't have time to veg. I take a little time here and there and suddenly I'm taking time when I really need to be doing work.

This, my friends, is where I seem to be at.

It is time to unplug more. I do not want to be addicted to my phone, facebook, email, TV excessively. It is amazing how much these things will pull you away from the rest of your life.

I need to take more of that time and spend it with God.
I want to take more of that time and spend it with TaeKwon-Do and other active things.
I want to take more of that time and spend it with others. I want to continue to build friendships here. Its hard to be patient in allowing those friendships to happen slowly-- because they do happen slowly --especially in the line of work that I'm in, in that it consumes a great deal of my time. But it is something which I accept.

It is through these things, though, that I also want to spend more time reading and writing. Observing the things in life that we pass by without a second, sometimes even a first, glance.

I find myself drawing back on this old prose I wrote about two, two and a half years ago:



moments in life come crashing together. glancing up i see a picture of me four feet in the air, vertical and displaying ultimate power and control. years of training formed together in one fluid movement. in this comes a snap and i find wood falling down around my feet.

and yet i find myself bringing my head back down, depleted and lifeless. there are moments for us where life is presented to never be good enough. we will never succeed. try as we might, failure is the only picture painted. and yet we are applauded.

the devil does quite the trick- pulling at our hearts; knowing which to be the most vulnerable strings and just how to settle into our weaknesses. here is where we're convinced that this is a feeling to hold. our friend, roommate, the ones we love shouldn't cheer us up. we should stay where we are and they are only a distraction before i head back down my self directed path of disappointment.

the energizer bunny mode is where i race best. except i don't have all the energy. this is my saying: i am the energizer bunny without all the energy

we just keep moving. just keep on going. running, doing, checking the to-do list, task list, assignments and continue on down the line- "all aboard!"

we haven't time to stop and smile. to feel the embrace of our inner child. and if we stop, if we stumble, if we take just one step away from our line of work, its all to sacrifice. there is no rest or happiness without consequence. no peace of mind outside of the momentary prayer which holds us in place.

we only live once and once is all we have. once a moment and never more. what we have is now, our moment, this moment is never again and never enough.




Reading back on this inspires me to write. I want to learn to write with what I've experienced now. Writing comes readily when trial and tragedy are around me. I want to develop my ability to write when I have found myself satisfied.