Disconnected

I was unplugged this weekend and I loved it. The urge to check my phone five million times a day was still there at certain moments, but I also found myself not caring when I did hear it ring or tell me someone sent some form of message. No computer. No time on the internet. It was wonderful.

I have realized recently that TV, my computer, and my phone have become a pretty big distraction. Anyone who has lived with me before knows that I go through a long cycle. I work like a crazy woman, cause I love to be busy, I am the 'energizer bunny', as I like to say. And then I crash-- intentionally. If that makes any sense. I do nothing. I take time to myself and I veg out in front of the TV, my computer, a book, things along those lines.

The trick, then, comes when I don't have time to veg. I take a little time here and there and suddenly I'm taking time when I really need to be doing work.

This, my friends, is where I seem to be at.

It is time to unplug more. I do not want to be addicted to my phone, facebook, email, TV excessively. It is amazing how much these things will pull you away from the rest of your life.

I need to take more of that time and spend it with God.
I want to take more of that time and spend it with TaeKwon-Do and other active things.
I want to take more of that time and spend it with others. I want to continue to build friendships here. Its hard to be patient in allowing those friendships to happen slowly-- because they do happen slowly --especially in the line of work that I'm in, in that it consumes a great deal of my time. But it is something which I accept.

It is through these things, though, that I also want to spend more time reading and writing. Observing the things in life that we pass by without a second, sometimes even a first, glance.

I find myself drawing back on this old prose I wrote about two, two and a half years ago:



moments in life come crashing together. glancing up i see a picture of me four feet in the air, vertical and displaying ultimate power and control. years of training formed together in one fluid movement. in this comes a snap and i find wood falling down around my feet.

and yet i find myself bringing my head back down, depleted and lifeless. there are moments for us where life is presented to never be good enough. we will never succeed. try as we might, failure is the only picture painted. and yet we are applauded.

the devil does quite the trick- pulling at our hearts; knowing which to be the most vulnerable strings and just how to settle into our weaknesses. here is where we're convinced that this is a feeling to hold. our friend, roommate, the ones we love shouldn't cheer us up. we should stay where we are and they are only a distraction before i head back down my self directed path of disappointment.

the energizer bunny mode is where i race best. except i don't have all the energy. this is my saying: i am the energizer bunny without all the energy

we just keep moving. just keep on going. running, doing, checking the to-do list, task list, assignments and continue on down the line- "all aboard!"

we haven't time to stop and smile. to feel the embrace of our inner child. and if we stop, if we stumble, if we take just one step away from our line of work, its all to sacrifice. there is no rest or happiness without consequence. no peace of mind outside of the momentary prayer which holds us in place.

we only live once and once is all we have. once a moment and never more. what we have is now, our moment, this moment is never again and never enough.




Reading back on this inspires me to write. I want to learn to write with what I've experienced now. Writing comes readily when trial and tragedy are around me. I want to develop my ability to write when I have found myself satisfied.