Inner Silence

I'm intrigued by how much we are able to push ourselves. I always have been, and I think this may be part of why I've loved my experiences with TKD camp (TKD in general for that matter), and why I've always considered entering the military. I'm well beyond my limits, yet here I am still functioning.

I've found that you learn a lot about yourself when you've surpassed your stopping point. I get crabby. And emotional. I want to talk, but only to the few people that I trust wholeheartedly. I find myself frustrated with the things I disagree with, and when I'm in their presence, I quickly become irritated and agitated. And, of course, I become rather stubborn.

I've found, too, that it is usually during these times that the world feels like too much. We spend our down time worrying about not getting a break, being unable to take a day off, and (from my last post) quickly become consumed in thought of the things we think we don't like.

What do I want in times like these? Quite time. To find my inner silence. To hear God speak to me again-- which I will only find once I've slowed myself and come into a peaceful inner silence. What I find myself wanting is a long car ride. To be with someone I trust and feel comfortable with. To play tetris, to paint or draw. To play my guitar. A long walk. A workout. To listen to music through headphones-- it changes when you listen through headphones. A slow paced morning, with coffee. Why?

Each of these things allow me to be myself without the need to question who I am. Each gives me the space to think about anything or nothing. I'm given time to process and let any guard that may have come up with the stress to fall away. I remember what I love and am allowed to fall in love all over again with life in general (don't you just love how we're able to fall in love with something over and over again?). I more clearly see the presence and work of God and I find answers to questions I didn't know I was asking.

The challenge in all of this is realizing when we're past our limits and, instead of fixating on the fact that we've been pushed to this point (whether by self, more than likely, or outside forces) and allow yourself to enjoy what you have, including the small moments of rest. And most of all, remember to put headphones on and listen to that music that soothes your soul. *sigh* ahhhhh.... :)